Early

Well, my post is supposed to be pretty much the last thing I do in the day but today I am a little early. I wanted to read myself to bed. I was asked a question which i have been asked numerous times in these 4 years: Why don't you booze? The only reason I have is that few moments when i lose control of my mind when i get drunk. I know its not the end of the world. I know i will live to see the next day, but still, the thought that i'll lose control over myself for a few moments frightens me as much as Room 101 is feared by the proletarians of the world. People can't quite grasp that fear and say, 'It is surely worth the experience. The pleasure experienced then is unique, and, after all, don't you want happiness?' Very sound argument indeed. The only defence I have is that I am content as it is. I don't want to try something that will play with my mind. The other arguments like my inertia,ie, my tendency to remain in the state in which I am etc are just cement to the concrete. I could of course use the cul-de-sac mentioned in one of the earlier posts, which is, "Why should I have a reason not to drink? Just as you don't really need a reason to drink! You just need an excuse!" Besides, look at it in terms of statistics. Almost everyone starts out saying, "I just wanna try it da. Obviously i won't get hooked to it or anything."Well, most of them may be right in that they haven't turned into lone drinkers. They drink only on social occasions. But then, for some curious reason, the number of social occassions seem to increase as the years go by. Now, in this final semester, as most of us are passing out, i find that many of my wing mates have found the perfect excuse to drink and get stoned everyday: We'll be passing out da. Its our last chance to do all this. In fact, all they are doing now is getting up and 11 and smoking up and staying stoned until it is 11 the next day! Well, i might have forced myself to believe this lame argument, but, as things have turned out, the wing seniors turned up for the weekend and that only made sure the amount of booze and dope increased exponentially and shattered the 'last time' argument. Indeed, the arguments of drinkers and dopers are a handful and the same the world over. Almost no drinker will say things are getting out of control or 'Yes, my intake has been increasing by the year'! Actually, I feel silly now. Here I am, all clean and safe, and trying to give a defend myself against a bunch of boozers and dopers! To hell with all of 'em!

On to other things, I never thought i'd say this but i am having a surfeit of outside food. The mess food hasn't turned into ambrosia but I can't seem to relish hotel food any more. Oil soaked, and artificial, they seem so insipid to my tastes. I feel as if my tongue were being boiled in a pan of oil. Yuck! So i recently accepted my friend's hostel nite invite but asked him not to take any grub coupons for me. I had food in the mess and went. Sadly,however, the mess food was miserable that day.

Suddenly the campus is becoming a noisy place to live in and my ears are turning red. For two weeks now, there's been a hostel nite everyday almost. Each hostel provides competition to international airports in terms of noise levels. OAT too has been used about 5 times in the last two weeks. With people passing out, Gurunath sees tons of people flocking there to socialise. And during the nights, love birds hang about. Well, they don't make the place noisy but they make it crowded. You can see the embarassment in their faces as you catch them in dark corners and you feel a horrible disgust for these clandestine love affairs. Why don't they just goddam show their affection in the open, like in the US. I am beginning to whine too much it seems. I mean i am in a 600 acre forest and I am saying i can't find enough peace and quiet?! Something's wrong with me!

Also, i've suddenly started getting this feeling that if i socialise so much, i'll have nothing to feel nostalgic about. When a group spends a lot of time together all conversation reduces to small talk, and somehow, i've lost the capacity to enjoy small talk. So i've decided that i'll make sure i mix in right amounts. Am i turning into a goddam anthropophobe or whatever? Running away from the noise of crowds, running away from the crowds, running even from company! I don't know. There's too much tumult in my head. I don't know whom to trust whom not to. Who are the real friends? Who aren't? Who will be the faithful ones? Who won't? Who looks at you the way you look at them? Who doesn't? There's so much confusion that i sometimes feel its just better to run away from it all and be by myself. At least i know i am faithful to myself most of the time.

Elections are on in Chennai and a few other places I believe. All newspapers are detiorating in standards. Even the few ones that did maintain standards are falling prey to crass commecercialism. Politics too is turning filthy.All i see are sword wielding mongooses heading political parties and arguing with as much purpose as antelopes in an antler-fight. There as much tumult in the world as there is in my head. Suddenly i want to become the old man in the sea, or the ancient mariner on his ship.

Alone, alone, all all alone
Alone on a wide wide sea