Monday, December 08, 2008

2 minute crash course in cooking

I'd bought a can of condensed mushroom soup this weekend. Having returned home late from lab I wasn't in the mood for a full fledged dinner. Thought I'd make the soup. Here's how I did it:

1) Place a large empty vessel on the stove and turn the flame to maximum so that the soup will be ready in 2 minutes to eat!

2)Then, get down to washing a ladle with which to stir the soup, and a spoon with which to empty the condensed can of soup into the vessel.

3) Read the instructions on the back of the can. All this while the pan is still on maximum with nothing in it.

4) Read the following instruction: Heat soup + 1 can of milk. Also read that it serves 4 people.

5) Wonder if I should really be emptying a one gallon can of milk into just 10 ounce of condensed soup.

6) Decide wisely against it but pour 5 cups anyways so that it can be had twice.

7) Dig around in the fridge for some veggies to make the soup tasty.

8) Find a huge bag of cole slaw veggies lying around and discover with considerable shock that it is one whole day past expiry.

9) Decide to get creative and quickly empty the whole bag into the soup only to realise there's so much cabbage it rises to twice the height of the soup which already has 5 cups of milk in it.

10) Decide there's just way too much milk already and wisely avoid adding any more water.

11) Go sit in front of TV while milk reaches a boil and ask roommate whether one should really be adding a one gallon can of milk to just 10 ounce of consensed soup??

13) Get the following response: One can milk implies fill the empty soup can with milk and pour once!

14) Lavish praise on roommate's intellgence.

15) Comment on the stench that always arises from cabbage.

16) Realise that its not the stench of cabbage but a strong burning smell.

17) Run hastily to switch off gas.

18) Empty half the unnameable unsightly uninhalable mess into a bowl and attempt to taste it.

19) Burn tongue.

20) Wait a minute and taste again.

21) Retch.

22) Make realisations:

Realise that it is the milk that burns if flame is on maximum. Cabbage doesn't.

Realise that cabbage too burns given enough time.

Realise that a pound of cabbage in half a gallon of burnt milk+condensed mushroom soup is not quite creativity.

23) Take consolation in the fact that it was all done in 2 minutes at any rate! :)


GB said...

Whenever you have anything that needs to be thrown out, fry it in garam masala, mix it in dosa batter, and make a dosa. It almost always tastes decent. I'm such a homely type person offering cooking tips and all.

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

I don't know how to make dosa batter :( Actually, amma used to make them with a grinder and I don't have that. Readymade batter is no fun.

I'm such a battlefieldly person offering poison gas and molotov type cocktail tips and all :p

GB said...

Oh I don't know to make complicated grinder dosa batter and all. Instant karma, instant kurma is the besht. I make banana dosa and a bloody genius. Stop being an amma payyan and stand on your own two feet with the dosa batter.

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Banana dosa eh? Is that like 'pazham pori'? :-? Well, you must give me the recipe! (I hope its not like the post though :p) If its decently simple I'll try it.

Incidentally, I used to stand on my own two feet when I was an amma payyan, and now that I'm alone I crawl on all fours under starvation :p But the dosa batter you suggest might help me stick to two feet(all puns intended) :p

Abi said...

bad experience to have in desperate times when you are looking for a cook! so sad you life is gonna be decided by a 2-min mushroom soup

GB said...

Banana Dosa ain't pazhampori, losah. What you mix maida and milk and then mash two bananas (nendram banana is besht), then you put ghee and make dosa shape.

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Oho, maida and milk eh. Will try this month.Thanks,

RukmaniRam said...

you thought "one can of milk" meant one gallon? really?

I can only imagine what cabbage in milk must taste like. my old roommate had no idea about cooking what so ever, and on days when it was her turn to cook, we had some interesting (for want of a better word) things to eat.

Although, none of them were done in 2 minutes.

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

@RR: Yes, I thought one can of milk. Really :( I've been going online and taking IQ tests daily since then!

silverine said...


I cannot believe that you went and sat on the sofa while the concoction was cooking. That has to be a new height for an amateur cook!! =)) Even I wouldn't dare do that!!

btw what do you vegetarians eat in the US. Always wondered.

kaushik said...

I dont know when you will read this...but I am rotfling at this :)

Cooking is not that just need patience :p

D said...


Nicely done!! Too many realizations dude!! If you continue with this rate (of realizations)you'll be a great cook :)